The Adventures of Mit: Episode 2

Seth Marx

It had been some time since the godsend Tim stepped on the magical bunny, transforming himself back into his true form, the abomination known as Mit.  He had learned his lesson from those days as the most beautiful man in the world, and vowed never to relive them again.  They weighed on him, being chased incessantly by gorgeous women and looking down upon those who were less attractive than him (which is everyone else in the world).  The consequences of being thrust into such uncharted territory took its toll on Mit, but with his trusty companion Rovert, the handsome and wise yet oddly smelling ape, they overcame the daunting task and everything was back to normal.  Or so it seemed.

For deep in the mountains, at the top Widow's Peak, lived the evil sorceress Emma, hell bent on destroying Mit and Rovert.  The magical bunny that Mit and Rovert stumbled across long ago had been the treasure that Emma sought for hundreds of years.  The wish that was granted to Mit could have been hers.  Emma and her army of jersey-wearing swallows could have ruled the entire nation of White Bear with an iron fist. She was so close, about to pounce on the evasive rabbit, until Mit mistakenly stepped on it that fateful day.  Ever since then, Emma has been plotting her revenge, waiting to make her move against not only Mit, Rovert, and the village of White Bear, but the world, as well.

Emma did not work alone, for she had a dimwitted henchman named Mick who did what was asked of him with no contention.  She held absolute power over Mick, who was too stupid to realize it.  They lived an agreeable yet depressing life together with the swallows.  With the magical rabbit out of the picture, Emma needed a new plan to appease her thirst for power.  She had honed her sorcery skills, which were nothing more than cheap tricks that relied on an idiotic audience.  Luckily her foes were Mit and Rovert, none too bright.  She was ready to attack, and take the world for her own.



"The time has come, Mick," snarled Emma.  "Now is not the time for you to be yourself.  Concentrate real hard and be intelligent for once.  The world is about to be ours!"

"But baby girl, what about Mit? His unbelievable good looks will thwart our plans.  I mean that thing is nice."

"For the last time, Mick, I am not your baby girl! Jesus, no women in their right mind would ever find you attractive," snapped Emma.  "Besides, he is no longer Tim.  The overwhelming attention for his attractiveness - something you will never experience - was too much.  The only way for him to become Tim again is to find the magical blue jeans.  The guardians are too strong for us to penetrate, which means Mit can't get them either."  She looked at Mick to express her point and said, "Without those jeans, our plan is fail proof."

Back in White Bear, Mit and Rovert were toiling away in the banana fields. 



Chatting harmlessly, they walked by none other than Conpipes, who was casually doing bicep curls with a pair of Ford F150s, only taking a twelve second break after every set to chug a beer.



 Mit kept a safe distance from the pickups, but said to the muscular man, "Shoot, Conpipes, how do I get to look like that?"

"I am merely an ape," added Rovert, "but I know a Hemi when I see one, and that thing has a Hemi."

"Oh, Mit," chuckled Conpipes, "You will never have gigantic arms like these, why do you even ask? I mean these things are nice, and yours, well they're not."

"Not what?"

"Nice.  You once wished to have arms like a Conpipes, but couldn't handle them.  Give it up, man.  There is only one Conpipes."

Mit let out a halfhearted laugh, while Rovert was rolling on the ground in stitches.  "I am merely an ape, but Conpipes speaks the truth, Mit."

High above, Emma stared down and grinned evilly.  With a quick wave of her hand, she sent her demonic jerseyed swallows into battle.  Or so she thought.  She angrily turned around only to see Mick, a dull look on his face, waving back at her like an idiot.  "No, no, no! Mick! Charge!"

The swallows, jerseys swaying as they zipped through the air, ambushed the poor citizens of White Bear.  The citizens used whatever they could to fend off the persistent birds.  Guns, swords, rocks, children, and appendages were being used on the aviary creatures.  With no one formidable enough to pose a threat against the sorceress and her minions, Emma took control of White Bear with ease.  Little did she know, though, that Mit, Rovert, and Conpipes and his mighty arms were all still in the banana fields.  The only ones who could thwart the diabolical Emma had seen everything, and began to plot their revenge.

"How are we supposed to beat that? I'm only good with bunnies, but I've never dealt with birds," exclaimed a shaken Mit.

"You would think that with my rippling godlike muscles, a creature as insignificant as a swallow would be no match.  I admit, though, that because my incredible arms are so big, I cannot reach behind my own head, revealing a glaring weak spot.  I am no match for the diminutive jersey-wearing swallow," Conpipes admitted while weeping.

"Wait! Do you know of the magical blue jeans?" asked Mit.

"Yes... YES! That is our journey! With the blue jeans in our possession, the hordes of Emma would most definitely fall," replied Conpipes.

"I hear they are guarded by the fiercest of armies, and only those worthy can wear them.  Emma couldn't get them, how could we? Your arms can only inflict so much damage."

"We must try.  It is White Bear's only hope.  You can use the blue jeans to turn back into Tim, the incredibly beautiful man you were meant to be.  Your Adonis-like good looks will overwhelm Emma, and from there we can retake White Bear."

"I cannot become Tim again! I was too gorgeous.  I have learnt my lesson.  There must be another way!"

Conpipes paused, waiting for the dramatic effect to resonate.  "Fate chooses us, Mit.  We cannot hide from who we are," he urged him.

"You're right, Conpipes.  I need to be beautiful again."

From there they set off to find the mythical pants as society's last hope.  Knowing this, the villagers of White Bear wept a little on the inside.

After travelling through deep jungles, treacherous marshes, and climbing jagged cliffs, the magical blue jeans were in sight.  They sprinted towards the pants, Conpipes obviously lagging behind, consequences of his muscle-heavy appendages.  But soon, they stopped dead in their tracks.  The legends were true.  Standing in front of them stood the greatest guardians of all time: a massive army of blank-faced, armed blue-footed boobies, the infamous birds of war. 



"Now what?" a deflated Mit said.

"I am merely an ape," stated Rovert, "What good will I be against an enormous horde of trained blue-footed boobies?"

"Just leave it to me!" Conpipes grabbed a two-ton boulder in one hand and uprooted a one hundred foot tree with his other.  He threw the boulder like a bowling ball, the menacing birds toppling like pins.  He wildly swung the tree with his massive hands, knocking over booby after booby.  The birds could only creepily stare as Conpipes barreled effortlessly through the horde, inching ever closer to the magical blue jeans.

When he finally had them in his gigantic arms, he threw them to Mit.

"Are we sure these jeans will have an effect his face?" asked Conpipes.

"Yeah, I don't know if jeans could do that to my appearance.  I don't think these blue jeans will have any effect on that," replied Mit.

"They must! It is our only hope."

As Mit zipped up, the transformation process began.  Not seconds later, in Mit's place stood the most beautiful human being to ever grace the earth.  His perfectly chiseled body and jaw-line were only the beginning.  The hair, the skin tone, the clothing.  Mit had become Tim, and hope for White Bear had been restored.

Emma had successfully taken control of White Bear, now setting her sights on the rest of the world.  Ruling with an iron fist, Emma caused the villagers to lose all hope.  Mit was a long shot to even get near the jeans; there was no way he successfully became the most beautiful thing to ever walk the earth once again.

Conpipes, Rovert, and now the exceptionally attractive Tim returned to White Bear to take on the queen.  When Emma saw them in the distance, she screamed, and sent her jerseyed swallows to attack.  The vicious birds only got so far though, for when they laid their eyes upon Tim, they entered some lovestruck trance, unable to move any further.  Tim had beaten them with his Herculean good looks. 



Emma knew she was doomed.  The minute her gaze fixated upon Tim, she couldn't move.  He was too good looking, and her desire for power was no longer important.  She didn't care about jerseys, or her swallows, the only thing that mattered now was Tim.  Rovert and Conpipes could only laugh.

"White Bear is saved! You are who you are Tim, never forget that.  You are the hero the world deserves," exclaimed Conpipes.

"I am merely an ape, but that thing is very nice."

"Bang," a slow-minded Mick said, drooling.

Thee astonished villagers of White Bear had found their new hero.  The hero they deserved.  Mit finally accepted who he really was, and the legend of Tim was born.