The Legend of King Barth

Nick Meyer

Once upon a time there was a young man who lived deep in the world's most dangerous jungle. Rumor has it that his parents deserted him when he was just an infant because they couldn't stand how bad he smelled. He was found all alone and crying on the edge of the jungle by a pack of monkeys. They decided to take him to raise as one of their own.

However, these were no ordinary monkeys, these monkeys were extremely strong and intelligent. These monkeys could also talk and they decided to name the boy "Barth". Over the years Barth grew big and strong, his survival skills were great because he had to learn to protect himself against the dangers deep into the jungle. His arsenal of defensive moves included powerful kicks, head butts, and even the ability to fling his own feces at predators before running away.   

Barth became very popular among his fellow monkeys because of both his courage as well as his huge pectoral muscles. It was said that he was strong enough to bench press weight equal to that of a full-grown elephant As Barth aged through his adolescent years the monkeys began to praise Barth and looked up to him as a leader. By the time that Barth was 20 years old, the elderly monkeys called for a council, after a brief discussion they decided to crown him as King Barth. They also decided to offer up their most beautiful female monkey to marry him, her name was Karyn. Karyn was the most gorgeous ape in all of the jungle. She was a model for Banana Republic. All of the male monkey's jaws would instantly drop at the way she dragged her knuckles when she walked by. King Barth grew deeply in love with Karyn and he would spoil her with hundreds of bananas everyday. While Barth continued to grow fonder of his lovely wife everyday, Karyn unfortunately didn't do the same. She appreciated how nice he was and was extremely attracted to his strong body, but she just couldn't stand his nasty odor. She literally struggled to sit next to him and had to sleep on a different branch at night.

One day Karyn came up with a brilliant idea of setting out on a quest to find a bunch of magical red and blue roses that could be grinded up to make the most powerful deodorant in the world.  She figured that if she found these flowers and made the deodorant for Barth then she would fall in love with him because he wouldn't smell so horribly nasty and then they could live happily ever after.

She woke up early the next morning and set out for "Hawaiian Falls" which was the only place in the jungle to find these magical flowers because they could only grow in the fertile soil at the bottom of the waterfall. She had only been journeying for a couple hours when she came to a complete halt. She heard a massive splash a little way down the river and saw ripples in the water coming in her direction. She was horrified but knew she must keep following the river if she wanted to make it to "Hawaiian Falls". She continued on her way and started to forget about the splashes when all of a sudden something massive jumped out of the water and grabbed her in its mouth. It was a giant black tortoise. She had heard tales about such a creature before, it was said that these giant monsters are so vicious that if you ever see one it is impossible to survive in one piece. Karyn screamed as loud as she could but there was nobody in sight to help her. The tortoise held Karyn in its jaws and walked slowly back to its lair to prepare his meal for the night; luckily a little red parrot was hanging out in the trees above the river and heard Karyn yelling. This parrot recognized her as the wife of King Barth and immediately flew back to the Monkey Kingdom to tell the king the horrific news.

The parrot flew swiftly and arrived at the Monkey Kingdom in less than an hour. It flew straight up to the throne but maintained a safe distance because of the smell and said, "Squawk, King Ape, King Ape, Squawk, I carry horrible news, your beautiful monkey wife was captured by a giant black tortoise. I saw it with my own eyes, Squawk."

King Barth responded, "How can this be? I would never let her venture outside of my kingdom because it is far too dangerous".

The parrot quickly fired back "Master Ape, it appeared she was traveling to Hawaiian Falls to obtain the magical roses as a gift to you, Squawk".

King Barth was puzzled by this and thought to himself, "Do I really smell that bad?"

King Barth immediately set out to travel towards the layer of the giant black tortoise. He flew through the air at a graceful pace as he swung from branch to branch. King Barth was like a modern day Michael Jordan as he put on an aerial performance while flying gracefully through the air. Barth couldn't stop thinking about his lovely wife and how badly he would hurt if he couldn't feed her bananas ever again.

He prayed to the God's of the jungle saying, "Please save my beautiful wife and I will be the most loyal and generous King in the history of our monkey kingdom. Do not let the giant black tortoise kill her or I will be broken-hearted and my life will be meaningless".

 A few moments later King Barth heard a crack of thunder and then came a loud powerful voice, it said, "Do not worry Barth, your wife is still alive, but you must hurry. I will let you prove your worth as the king of the apes if you can defeat the giant black tortoise in it's lair".

Barth then yelled as loudly as he could in response to the Gods, "I am ever grateful of your power and mercy, I also have one more wish.... Would it be possible for you to get rid of my nasty body odor?"

A loud rumbling voice replied chuckling, "Nobody is perfect".

Barth sighed to himself and continued on towards the giant black tortoise's lair. When he arrived he noticed the size of the footprints leading inside the cavern and thoughts of instant terror shot down his spine. He started to tiptoe into the dark abyss on the hillside when a swarm of bats flew past his ears. He jumped backwards in horror and let out a brief squeal.

A booming voice came from the darkness saying, "Who dares to enter my lair uninvited?"

Barth was so horrified that he couldn't control his bodily functions and his stomach started gargling. Just then a loud roar came from the darkness and Barth immediately lost control. His feces shot straight to the floor at the speed of light and without thinking Barth started to fling it in the direction of the monster. This startled the tortoise and it jumped out of the darkness and it ran to the light side of the cavern.

The tortoise yelled, "What kind of evil magic is this? Fight like the man you are, not a monkey".

Barth chuckled to himself at the thought of this, he responded, "Do you know who I am? You are messing with the wrong guy. I am King Barth of the monkey kingdom and you better give me my wife back or I will crush you".

Barth ran in towards the giant black tortoise and gave it an array of kicks and a punishing head butt. The Tortoise swung a heavy claw towards his head but just barely missed. It then stretched its neck out an incredible distance and snapped its jaws shut just short of Barth's face. Barth then realized that desperate times call for desperate measures and he reached for the ground to grab a jagged stone and flung it straight for the tortoise's eye. It was a direct hit and the tortoise howled in pain. The sound was so loud that it shattered the stone roof of the cavern and it slowly came crumbling down. Luckily Barth was extremely agile and dodged the falling rock pieces while sprinting to the other side of the cavern. The tortoise wasn't so lucky as it was crushed beneath the rubble that had fallen from the roof.  Barth walked through a short tunnel and saw his beautiful wife lying there. Karyn was badly wounded in both legs from the bites of the tortoise but couldn't have been more excited to see her husband. She was so overwhelmed with joy that she didn't even care how horribly awful his stench was.  She fell right into his arms and gave him a big juicy monkey smooch. The truly remarkable thing about this was that she didn't pass out or regurgitate from the vomit-inducing smell that seeped up into her nostrils.

"Barth, thank you so much for coming to save me, you are the most loyal and courageous husband that I could have ever asked for", Karyn told him.

"You are the most beautiful ape that I have ever laid my eyes on and I am a lucky man. I don't know how to put this but... That thing is nice".

"Oh... thanks Barth. You have such a way with words", Karyn muttered as she forced a smile. "Hey Barth, before we head back to our kingdom, do you think we could travel further to the 'Hawaiian Falls' to find some of the magical red and blue roses?"

"I mean if we must really go to those extremes for you to love me, then yes. Lets fix this smell for once and for all", Barth embarrassingly muttered.

King Barth used his massive pectoral muscles to carry his beautiful wife out of the tortoise's lair and venture on to the "Hawaiian Falls". Once they were within a couple of miles it was easy to tell the flowers were near because of the wonderful smells that were in the air. When they finally arrived to the falls Barth was in awe for he had never seen a place with such natural beauty. He had never been this far to the north of the jungle in his life; the florescent smells throughout the air seemed to neutralize his toxic odor.

"Barth, I can't smell you anymore, It's a dream come true!" proclaimed Karyn. The two locked eyes and smiled in amusement. 

"Lets get out of here", Barth said with utter resilience. The two journeyed back to Monkey Kingdom as King Barth flexed his enormous pectorals with confidence while holding his lovely ape lady. The rest of the monkeys were filled with joy at the sight of their King and Queen returning. Little did they know that the parrot had told the rest of the kingdom about their lady being captured and had prepared a banana and beer festival in anticipation of their return.

"Lets get a little crazy!" Shouted King Barth as he threw his fists into the air. "This is a time for celebration and respect for the Gods. Without their blessings, I never would have been able to save Karyn and for that we should all say a prayer".

Then Karyn chimed in, "And without your courage Barth I wouldn't have been able to fall in love with you and I also would have had a very abrupt ending to my modeling career with Banana Republic" (Multiple monkey's jaws dropped instantly at the thought of her in a skimpy monkey bikini).

The entire nation of monkeys then proceeded to hold hands to pray together and rejoiced, "Us apes are ever so grateful for all of the blessings we have. May our bananas be ever plentiful, may our trees stay strong with many branches, and may our nation forever flourish. OOOH OOOH AH AH AH" They screamed together! King Barth and Queen Karyn lived on happily ever after and the flowers in the deodorant that Karyn made for Barth worked wonders. He no longer smelled horribly and Karyn even decided to sleep on the same branch as him at night.